In Comes 2013

Into New Year
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Oh but it's the same thing all over again. Instead of recalling what this year did, I'm piecing the last quarter of this year to next year's first quarter and work my way from there.

2012 is ending, making me feel happy inside that this year will now be considered past, but I know it will just pass the baton to 2013 with careful instructions to hammer everything down on me and make sure that I won't forget. I think the starting word of that instruction would be IMPACT! Somehow, in my head, I've pictured 2012 to be a big fat bully. Giving it character so that I can blame someone/something with my shortcomings... a defense mechanism. To be fair to 2012, I've only blamed it for a couple of things because majority, and the one with the biggest effect, of what happened in 2012 was outside of my actions. I was just sucked in like light to a black hole.

But amongst those "campaigns" that causes me distress, I have one that is my winning front. After a blow to my health c/o my doctor in Makati Med, I've rebounded and showed progress as per my last check-up. Although I think I've lost quite a lot of lead after these 2 weeks of holidays, Christmas, it doesn't only make you poor, it also makes you fat. Anyway, seeing progress is a boost in itself, making me want to achieve more! And that more means taking on Insanity once again. Oh yes, I will try it again. After a humiliating defeat (seriously, it's so bad, Jaidy laughed at me), I'll be starting it again on 31, because January 1 missed Monday by 24 hours. I think I've prepared my gear (shoes, water bottle, some supplements and a mat) and all that's left is my mind, more than thinking that I can do it, (I know I can), it's more of me being committed to it. (At least in here I am committed to something) It will be 60 days of torture for sure but I already think it's worth it. CHALLENGE FUCKING ACCEPTED!

That means that I have to move my plan on getting a bike to summer because I won't be be able to use it anyway. I might need the money for hospitalization in the event I break my body. Or if the plans of my SGV friends pushes through, I can have that summer that eluded me this year. Maybe even visit my friends on foreign land *crosses my fingers* if everything permits. Oh the future looks so bright I'm wearing shades. I'll manage to write something on my new travel notebook that I got from Ice for Christmas. So that's my optimistic spirit typing. My pessimistic side is looking at my balance sheet and somehow, not showing any facial expression.

So that's the plan. For the first 2 months of 2013, I will destroy my body and sweat oceans so that it can be rebuilt anew. Everything else is secondary, more like, not an option. This plan of mine will hit February and of course, there is a question of "But what about on Valentine's day?". Well, it will be on February 14 and last time I checked, I guess they won't be moving it.

2013 will put up a lot of barriers but I'll manage to break them, well, that's the appropriate reaction. I just need to look for my sledge hammer, my concrete breaker, some CAT heavy machinery and call some demolition experts. so yeah, 2013, I'm ready for ya.

ps: But if you can dial down the problems, and increase the opportunities, it will be really appreciated. Thank you sir!

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A Test Piece - 1

Fun: For years now, I've been out and about, enjoying the status quo. There are times when I've thought of tilting the scale a little to see what happens but the phrase "enjoy the moment" always comes to mind, not realizing that I've been "enjoying" it too much that I've done something I shouldn't. I thought that if I am to step up, I need a sign, a reply (now that I think about it, sounds familiar from years ago) but as pointed out to me, the other side isn't likely to do so. I got a laughing smirk with that reasoning and I now understand why. I'm waiting for nothing or for something that comes out in a blue moon, and I should really be the one taking command of the whole thing. That got my brain pistons working overtime, thinking what will happen if I did, because it never occurred to me to think that (ironically) far ahead.

Dilemma: Thing is, it now comes down to a choice. Before the ripples started, I am convinced that I'm not doing something detestable. There are no agreements, no nothing. Jus when schedule permits. If I am to "invest" more, I have to use both my hands. I don't subscribe to deceit, I've heard too many stories and I don't want to be in one, either the protagonist or the antagonist. What I have in front of me is multiple choice, with no "All of the above". It's A or B. It's i or ii. It's 1 or 2. Then comes the meticulous side of me. There is no spark in any of the choice. I don't feel that they are the right answer, even though there should be one. I could't point my finger on which looks correct. Follow the beat when one can't deduce. Dilemma. There aren't any to follow to begin with. I look in to details. Everyone does. When IT isn't present, I tend to scrutinize. My mind isn't preoccupied, it can see what the eyes sends and it can cross-check with a list. It bugged me in a way that I can't shut down during the trip back to south even though the environment calls for a quick nap. It bugged me too much that that train never left the station and was still in my head the next day, waiting for something. Because I need to add something, fuel perhaps? Too much obvious revelations have been dropped on my desk the other day that it got me reading non stop.

Slap: That's when it hit me, that I was acting the way I shouldn't be from the beginning, the contradiction from the lessons I learned the hard way years ago. It's all about squandering something we can't get back no matter how much we try. A paradox that shouldn't happen. I'm doing that thing that I said I wouldn't do anymore and this time, if one of the reality is correct, I wasn't alone. It's a slap to my face, like I had Tyler Durden in me. I nearly lost my balance as I was doing my morning jog when it hit me like a bucket of ice water straight in my face. "But I need to keep going" I said, I still need to run and not just sit at the sidewalk, dumbfounded with what my brain managed to piece together. Besides, the place where it seemed like a tripped a land mine isn't really that suitable for deep thinking. So I ran, in the same way I thought that I shouldn't just stop there and that I should think, think hard, and make sure I climb out of the hole I dug myself in to. But it came back to my dilemma. From the night before. Roadblock! If only there was instructions for a challenge I can do so that I can get past this stage and proceed to the finish line.

C: But I'm not limited, I am not chained to these two choices in front of me. I am the master of my universe and I demand to have another option, so it materialized, choice C. The ticket. The ticket to go outside, or inside now that I think about it. It was agreed on that night that it's not that easy of a choice anyway, between just two options, C is my fail safe, sort of. It was there all along but it's not a popular choice that's why I wasn't even considering it at first (funny that the song now playing as I type this is Get Up and Go by Sea of Bees) because it meant that I won't have anything to report again for next year. It means that I'll still be in the seeming minority now a days, in the land of social media. The price isn't really something I want. But should I choose it then? Like I've said, it's not a popular choice. It's a path that might look OK for now even though I know that the previous two has "repair" options with them. But looking at it as a glass half full, there is a chance that there might be something better if pick the letter C. I too may have been inadvertently locked down myself with false hope and it's no longer fun when I look at it now. 

Answer: It has been on mind for days. And the answer… still eludes me.

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For My Friends this Christmas

I think it's a cliche saying that time passes by so fast every time a holiday comes or at someone's birthday, but I can't help but say it because it really feels that way every time, especially now that it's almost Christmas. I got a message from Ice the other day saying to block the date for our annual get together with Vincent and Carissa and it came with a realization. We call ourselves 24c (24 Club) because we were all 24 when we met each other, and I was like "Wow! 24! We were 24 then" just like how old people would say it. It never gets old (pun intended).

But it's more than realizing we've all grown old-er. It's the season for joyous celebration and for getting together with friends, which is what I've basically been doing the whole week, having dinners every night (so out of shape hehe and it shows, according to a friend I met yesterday). It's not that long of celebrations but for me, getting to meet each other again before the year ends is such a feel-good moment. We've now switched to talking about other stuff instead of just reminiscing the past, not that it's a bad thing, but it feels refreshing to have different topics. It feels like we're all lined up next to each other, taking the whole width of a road as we all walk forward laughing. It's like all of us sharing the knowledge on how to go through life, one experience at a time. Priorities changing, responsibilities growing, and us growing with it. Some are so happy with the holidays while some are preparing themselves for 2013, just like myself. There is nothing like seeing friends again after a long time, making me realize how happy I am that I have friends like them. Time and distance does that, a lot. No matter the number of ways we can communicate now these days, with social networks, phones and emails, I like to keep it old school, meeting people in person, talking face to face, laughing our hearts out with bottomless iced teas or a bottle of beer.

I don't usually say this (actually never in person because I'm shy, except to really close friends) but this Christmas, I wish all my friends all the joy and love the world can give. You guys are awesome and awesome people deserve great things!

Happy Christmas! Eat right! (meaning stuff your face silly!)

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Christmas Season: Meaning End of the Year

no image. like a b&w film.direct and sincere.

I actually want a photo of snow and taken by me.

but tropics.

I told myself that I won't write any blog post outside of my Mac anymore but I just feel I need to write this down right now realizing that mid-December is just around the corner and I might not feel like this for the coming weeks until the year shifts and then I realize I wasn't able to do a year-end recollection. So you know, my Macbook is still with the service center and I might get it next week, hopefully. I just ate it's hard drive and it almost made it to 1 year before dying. So now, I have to turn on this black laptop, open blogger and start majestic's playlist. Which reminds me, I think I won't be able to release the year-end playlist that I was  planning since last October. But I'll try. I also have another playlist to do for a friend... And already this post took a left turn.

Back. Unlike most Filipinos, I don't feel Christmas-y on the start of the -ber months. Some announce it, some really celebrate it. (Hey Grinch me!) More like I want it on December not September. So now that it's December, it means it's properly the Christmas season. Meaning Christmas parties. Meaning gifts. Meaning food. Meaning I just realized how hard the goal that my doctor gave me last month is (wrong time to watch what I eat). It also means end of the year (or end of the world on 12.21, whichever floats your boat). Time to look back on how the year was, what happened and how to proceed forward from this year.

To be honest, this year is mostly a blur because even though I know a lot of things happened, there are a few things that just overshadowed everything else in terms of the gravity of the situation. What this year managed to make me do is it made me think a lot and I do mean A LOT (not ALOT, I don't want a weird bear-like animal in my life because it's always better) on how I've been living, my views, my principles, what I've missed and what should have been done. Sure, I now regret some of my decisions before but then I didn't have the guidance and the knowledge I have now. Suffice to say, I can tag my past as wasted years but in those years, I had fun. I grew. I discovered. I did something that I like and I was able to enjoy it. So scratch the tag of  "wasted years". Make it, others just got a head start. I always use this analogy that some people just managed to press the right buttons. Me, I'm still reading the manual, managing through life like it was the 80's and I'm trying to setup the VCR to record an episode of the Never Ending Story or the Ewoks. This year made me realize a lot of things, made me feel emotions that I thought were just due to the spur of the moment but not really because they were just realization-related feelings that just exploded. I have to change my plans. I have to be the somewhat the bad guy. I have to do it because it's the mature thing to do. I have to grow up. I need to grow up. I should grow up. NOW. I guess this is a milestone in itself, that is almost the same when someone realize that they'll be a parent and that they'll start a family soon. Where they would suddenly have a change of perspective and realize, "FUCK, saying "I'm old" is no longer a joke, that makes you sound like you're a kid  but you're not, and is basically a non-issue anymore.".

2012 is a revolution of a year I guess. Which means next year will be a lot more challenging. I don't know how to explain it but I know I'll need more full body massages, most likely twice a month or weekly, because it will definitely be stressful. I know, I know, it will only be that way if I make it that way but it's not the pessimist in me talking, it's the realist eye seeing how the future will be based from previous experiences. This year is a roller coaster of a ride and I don't see it ending anytime soon. A lot of my friends have moved-on with their lives in 2012 and I'm left here, admittedly problematic (and somewhat stagnant), but with new goals and a new outlook in life. I've seen changes happen in me (insert puberty joke here) and I saw results that gave me that much needed boost. I'm powering through the end of the year 4 kilometers a day on the weekends, multiple reps on weekdays, and up to now, a sea of perspiration. It's so physical, it's fun! Seriously, I want a pool that I can swim in to any time I want to. I usually check on my To-do list that I make every start of the year but I feel this year has been shaken AND stirred so much that I assume I wouldn't have made the slightest progress on any thing that I've set myself to accomplish. I don't want to put myself in a disappointing mood by looking at it, rather, I'd like to think that I'm adapting. Getting a hard time doing so, but I'm moving. It's progress. It might be as slow as the Philippines but at least I'm the president of my own life, not someone else.

What I'm holding tight in my hands are the principles that I've realized this year and I'll use it to guide me through next year. Maybe someone might hold it with me, or maybe I'm just making that statement interesting. *wink* (or am I?) Now I'm just messing with you guys. I have to be honest, 2012 was hard on me. But it taught me lessons that I needed to know. It made me snap in the right cog that I would hopefully turn correctly and would get 2013 running (I want that pair of Nike running shoes that I was having fun customizing the other day). It upgraded my life with a new set of gears that makes it easier for me to shift when I need to. (I still want a Tern folding bike!!!)

I wanna say that this is my year-end post but I know it's too early. Some people haven't even bought gifts yet, that includes me. But I might make a new one, if not, then I guess I've already done my homework. Now to get back on what gift I can give myself this season. Because I feel I really deserve it, after everything that happened, and not just because I'm making a shallow excuse to get myself something shiny and new. Why would I kid myself anyway? And that goes to others who say "they deserve it" even thought deep inside, it's a hollow excuse. A season's tip brought to you by me, trust me on this.

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