A Test Piece - 1

Fun: For years now, I've been out and about, enjoying the status quo. There are times when I've thought of tilting the scale a little to see what happens but the phrase "enjoy the moment" always comes to mind, not realizing that I've been "enjoying" it too much that I've done something I shouldn't. I thought that if I am to step up, I need a sign, a reply (now that I think about it, sounds familiar from years ago) but as pointed out to me, the other side isn't likely to do so. I got a laughing smirk with that reasoning and I now understand why. I'm waiting for nothing or for something that comes out in a blue moon, and I should really be the one taking command of the whole thing. That got my brain pistons working overtime, thinking what will happen if I did, because it never occurred to me to think that (ironically) far ahead.

Dilemma: Thing is, it now comes down to a choice. Before the ripples started, I am convinced that I'm not doing something detestable. There are no agreements, no nothing. Jus when schedule permits. If I am to "invest" more, I have to use both my hands. I don't subscribe to deceit, I've heard too many stories and I don't want to be in one, either the protagonist or the antagonist. What I have in front of me is multiple choice, with no "All of the above". It's A or B. It's i or ii. It's 1 or 2. Then comes the meticulous side of me. There is no spark in any of the choice. I don't feel that they are the right answer, even though there should be one. I could't point my finger on which looks correct. Follow the beat when one can't deduce. Dilemma. There aren't any to follow to begin with. I look in to details. Everyone does. When IT isn't present, I tend to scrutinize. My mind isn't preoccupied, it can see what the eyes sends and it can cross-check with a list. It bugged me in a way that I can't shut down during the trip back to south even though the environment calls for a quick nap. It bugged me too much that that train never left the station and was still in my head the next day, waiting for something. Because I need to add something, fuel perhaps? Too much obvious revelations have been dropped on my desk the other day that it got me reading non stop.

Slap: That's when it hit me, that I was acting the way I shouldn't be from the beginning, the contradiction from the lessons I learned the hard way years ago. It's all about squandering something we can't get back no matter how much we try. A paradox that shouldn't happen. I'm doing that thing that I said I wouldn't do anymore and this time, if one of the reality is correct, I wasn't alone. It's a slap to my face, like I had Tyler Durden in me. I nearly lost my balance as I was doing my morning jog when it hit me like a bucket of ice water straight in my face. "But I need to keep going" I said, I still need to run and not just sit at the sidewalk, dumbfounded with what my brain managed to piece together. Besides, the place where it seemed like a tripped a land mine isn't really that suitable for deep thinking. So I ran, in the same way I thought that I shouldn't just stop there and that I should think, think hard, and make sure I climb out of the hole I dug myself in to. But it came back to my dilemma. From the night before. Roadblock! If only there was instructions for a challenge I can do so that I can get past this stage and proceed to the finish line.

C: But I'm not limited, I am not chained to these two choices in front of me. I am the master of my universe and I demand to have another option, so it materialized, choice C. The ticket. The ticket to go outside, or inside now that I think about it. It was agreed on that night that it's not that easy of a choice anyway, between just two options, C is my fail safe, sort of. It was there all along but it's not a popular choice that's why I wasn't even considering it at first (funny that the song now playing as I type this is Get Up and Go by Sea of Bees) because it meant that I won't have anything to report again for next year. It means that I'll still be in the seeming minority now a days, in the land of social media. The price isn't really something I want. But should I choose it then? Like I've said, it's not a popular choice. It's a path that might look OK for now even though I know that the previous two has "repair" options with them. But looking at it as a glass half full, there is a chance that there might be something better if pick the letter C. I too may have been inadvertently locked down myself with false hope and it's no longer fun when I look at it now. 

Answer: It has been on mind for days. And the answer… still eludes me.